Steven Wright's Humor
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-06-2011 06:45 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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My grandfather likes to give me advise,
but he's a little forgetful.
One day, he took me aside
and left me there.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-07-2011 06:45 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I'm a psychic amnesiac.
I know in advance what I'll forget
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-08-2011 05:47 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you see okay?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-09-2011 05:55 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-10-2011 05:42 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-11-2011 09:52 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and
all the impersonators would be dead.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-13-2011 06:46 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-14-2011 06:51 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I went to the cinema, and the prices were:
Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-15-2011 06:33 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-16-2011 07:11 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I'm a peripheral visionary.
I see far into the future....
Just way off to one side.
Edited by -=CoN=-Beast on 06-16-2011 07:11 AM
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-17-2011 01:56 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If you are killing time,
are you damaging eternity?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-18-2011 07:55 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-19-2011 08:55 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-20-2011 08:22 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I went to a restaurant that serves
'Breakfast At Any Time.'
So I ordered French Toast
during the Renaissance.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-21-2011 06:26 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-22-2011 06:20 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting
the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-24-2011 06:25 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-25-2011 06:50 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-26-2011 09:03 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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-=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-27-2011 06:50 AM
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Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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