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Steven Wright's Humor
-=CoN=-Beast
My grandfather likes to give me advise,
but he's a little forgetful.
One day, he took me aside
and left me there.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I'm a psychic amnesiac.
I know in advance what I'll forget

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you see okay?

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and
all the impersonators would be dead.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I went to the cinema, and the prices were:
Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I see far into the future....
Just way off to one side.

Edited by -=CoN=-Beast on 06-16-2011 07:11 AM
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
If you are killing time,
are you damaging eternity?

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I went to a restaurant that serves
'Breakfast At Any Time.'
So I ordered French Toast
during the Renaissance.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting
the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
-=CoN=-Beast
I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.

"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/oToDBeast/810350-1920x1080-137580_zpsdd1d4fa8.jpg
 
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12-04-2023 05:26 PM
Please welcome in my Son Ryan as RyDawg91

11-16-2023 04:51 PM
hi we still play every night

08-08-2023 08:05 PM
I just wanted to stop in to say HELLO Smile Cool Carrot

07-21-2023 04:59 PM
Whats up folks? What happened to Lady_Widow, says she's former member.

04-24-2023 11:24 PM
I'm carrying a smoll baby future player in my womb. lol

01-27-2023 04:48 PM
Hi All, love to play again been tied up with interstate work for long periods need some practice see u all soon. Gun Hi

05-27-2022 10:03 PM
So what's everybody up to

02-16-2022 04:57 PM
All, I have started advertising our website and servers on UT forums through FB... Let's start playing again on our servers to start recruiting!!! Pet

02-03-2022 08:23 PM
hey super doing good and u!!

02-02-2022 11:07 PM
Wanted to jump on and check in on all you peeps! Hope you're all doing well! Grin

 
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