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Steven Wright's Humor
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 -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-28-2011 05:17 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-29-2011 06:15 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Trees that grow in smoggy cities
are needed to make carbon paper.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 06-30-2011 06:44 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
can he still hear his Walkman?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-01-2011 06:36 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas,
I just think about it.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-02-2011 08:22 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-03-2011 08:53 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-04-2011 06:51 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-05-2011 06:04 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-06-2011 06:07 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If a parsley farmer loses a law suit,
do they garnish his wages?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-07-2011 06:10 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-08-2011 09:11 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-09-2011 08:56 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me.
I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-10-2011 08:47 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-11-2011 06:48 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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You know how it is when
you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-12-2011 06:33 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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How can there be self-help 'groups'?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-13-2011 06:22 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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My watch is three hours fast,
and I can't fix it.
So I'm going to move to New York.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-14-2011 06:19 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-15-2011 06:14 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-16-2011 08:13 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Why is it illegal to park in a
handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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| -=CoN=-Beast |
Posted on 07-17-2011 08:24 AM
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Forum Rank
Posts: 561
Joined: 10/11/2010 10:40 AM
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Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?
"Gotta be somebody needs some killin."
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